comesfrompain | [ to-do list ]

[Rumlow wasn't real sure what he was feeling, but knew it was probably supposed to be somewhere along the lines of happy. The Soldier was offering his own brand of comfort, though it was hardly textbook, it was still sort of reassuring. It was very them too, the way it was stunted and literally tainted with blood. He kept rubbing at his back, letting out a heavy sigh.]

I appreciate the concern, Bucky. [He said, nose nudging against the hollow of his throat.] But we pick who we've got. And between you and me, you're a safer bet than the kid.

[In far more ways than Rumlow had any interest in explaining. The easiest was simply Chase's emotional maturity (or lack thereof), but secondly, he didn't understand HYDRA the way the Soldier did. It made a huge different to Rumlow, knowing he could trust him to understand the way things worked, at least in that regard.]

[He rolled his back into the stroke of Rumlow's hands, taking comfort in the warm slide of palms on his bare back. It easily convinced him to stay exactly where he was, looming over his commander and willing to take any amount of punishment to keep his source of order safe and healthy (as healthy as being dead allowed). He settled a bit more of his weight down, enough to be comfortable and close to Rumlow without squishing his commander this time.]

You understand that isn't given much for either of us, yes? An mentally wiped and altered weapon versus an immature teenager. Do you miss your STRIKE team? They could provide where we lack.

[To a point, he knew. The rigors of HYDRA came with a brutality and an expectation of loyalty that seemed to keep men and women behind a certain line. Still, he figured that Rumlow had to have worked with a few of them for many years and built a relationship with. All he could offer with his presence and the usual battering of questions.]

Of course I miss them, but they ain't here.

[There was a vague roughness about his voice, as if this wasn't a thing he wanted to admit. It was more the ease of familiarity, the comfort of being amongst those he (mostly) trusted than many on an individual basis. The Soldier wasn't wrong though, they definitely could provide, but Rumlow really wasn't the wistful sort and therefore didn't really think about it very often. He worked with what he had and didn't bitch.]

Anyway, you're still a better candidate. There's a lack of judging in your demeanor. I can just say what I need to and your only questioning is for further information or understanding. That sorta thing I'm better with. People start poking at my logic and I get combative.

[Rumlow shifted slightly, one hand absently toying with the Soldier's hair now.]

Don't get me wrong, I still like the kid. And I trust him not to be a complete idiot, but he wasn't raised in this like you or me. It'll take him some time to get used to it and find his place.

[He decided that it was best not to press that subject anymore, as it was obvious that STRIKE would make Rumlow's life here far easier. There was a place between men with that many years of experience and HYDRA had built them into a loyal cohesive unit. He silently wondered if there was a way to contact them, to draw them into the fold and back under Rumlow's leadership.

For Rumlow, he would do it. Anything to give back to his commander.]

If you need someone's throat ripped out for upsetting you, all I required is a name. I will do the rest.

[He leaned into the contact, having never thought that Rumlow disliked Collins as the pair spent quite a bit of time together. Of course, he found himself slightly tripped up in that he couldn't recall how he was raised, but he assumed that Rumlow simply meant his time with HYDRA, which was very structured.]

What place do you want him in?

[The smiles that stretched across Rumlow's face was equal parts adoring and on the verge of laughter. He was pretty sure the only reason he didn't was because even if the weight above him was not longer crushing, it was still heavy. He snorted instead, gently guiding the Soldier's face back so he could kiss him in thanks. It lingered for a moment, and Rumlow licked his lips afterwards, staring into his eyes, that smile still hovering about his lips.]

I appreciate it, Bucky. I know you've got my back. And I've got yours.

[He restrained the urge to kiss him again, knowing that would probably just end the conversation and turn into making out and touching and (hopefully) getting that blood off of them in some fashion or another.]

But Chase? He's below me. [Literally, most of the time.] And until he proves himself, that's where he's gonna stay.

[Even in the dark of the room, he could tell that Rumlow was smiling, and that pleased him greatly. There was something very rewarding about keeping his commander in a good mood, and the reward of a kiss was more than he ever received in HYDRA. The corner of his own lips tugged slightly, and he shifted most of his suspended weight to his knees so that he could slide his right hand down the length of Rumlow's arm.]

Yes, I know that both are true. We need each other.

[He nodded his head, not completely understanding the relationship between the two but accepting it as beneficial for them both. They at least enjoyed one another's company.]

And how will he prove himself?

[Rumlow hummed a tone in contentment. He liked hearing those words from the Soldier, didn't think he'd ever tire of them. The thought that someday the sentiment would prove useful ammunition against Rogers really warmed the cockles of his heart. He nudged his nose against the Soldier's, stealing one more chaste kiss. Rumlow tilted his head after, considering his question.]

That's up to him. I'm not real worried about it though.

[He shifted slightly, legs spreading to allow the Soldier to settle between them instead. Sure, it was a more vulnerable position for him, but he was absolutely sure the Soldier wouldn't take advantage. They were just cuddling. (How fucking weird was that?)]

Anyway, we don't need to talk about Chase. You came in here because you were upset. You wanna tell me anything more?

[He nodded from his spot, and it ended up rubbing his cheek against Rumlow's neck to do so. Another shiver at the scrape of stubble against his face before he was drawn up and found himself the recipient of another kiss that was simple and offered little heat to encourage more than that.

His weight shifted with Rumlow's change of position, and he drew his knees in so that they were between his commander's spread legs rather than outside of them. Slowly, carefully, he lowered his weight down to his thighs and propped up his upper half on his elbows. Their hips and groins were lined up but not settled tight together.]

He's interesting, and you like him. [It was easier to forget his dreams if he was concentrating on something else.] I don't know more... it's been happening more and more since I left the Limbo Hotel. I can't estimate if it is the change in sleep quarters, because I've been consistently awake so long or my associations. [He mostly meant Steve with that last one.]

[It was a weird sort of disappointment not to feel the immediate press of the Soldier's body on top of his when he shifted positions. The extra breathing room was nice, in its own way he guessed, but Rumlow kind of liked that feeling of being squished. Probably just because it was the Soldier.]

Both correct. [Rumlow said, tilting his head back and blowing a stray hair from his face.] Your associations... [Rumlow repeated, lowering his chin, brows furrowed to look at the Soldier again.]

With me or you thinking someone else?

Edited 2016-07-17 04:25 (UTC)

[If he could have, he would have settled himself under Rumlow's secure weight, but he was protective even now of his own source of order. That was doubly true with his troubled dreams and continued encounters with the child-ballerina.

He rested his cheek on his commander's shoulder and nodded his head.]

Someone else. The more people I meet, the more I find old skills that I doubt were used in the service of HYDRA. And... there is my last mission target too....

[Right. Rogers. Rumlow let out a low rumble in response, arms encircling the Soldier's body and giving him a squeeze. It was intended to be reassuring but it felt more possessive than anything. Both were true, in any case. He stared up at the ceiling in the dark.]

Go on.

[He said, wanting to hear more before he could try and mitigate the situation. If the Soldier ever remembered that he hadn't gone to HYDRA willingly, things would go to shit, and fast.]

[He shifted subtly where he lay between Rumlow's legs, his hands dropping so that he could hold his commander's thighs. Safety. Security. Order.]

It... started with Edward. It was like I knew him even though I didn't. Then the target came and... he told me all these things about a life I can't remember. I don't tell anyone this... but when I am together with certain people, I get these headaches and sometimes... it feels like there is another person inside of me trying to get out.

[He went very very still, even his breath pausing for a few moments as he considered what he was telling Rumlow that he had told no one else.]

The dreams amplify this unsettled sensation inside of me. Am I malfunctioning or just... sounding insane?

[It was a damn difficult task not to tense up as the Soldier spoke. Rumlow had every right to be wary. He knew something like this was going to happen someday. It was inevitable, without the memory wipes. With that accelerated healing, the connections in his brain severed by the wiping device were mending. It wasn't surprising that some things were making the triggers come quicker. He only wished there was something he could do to stop it.]

Which people? [A breath.] And no. You're not malfunctioning. You're remembering. It's not something HYDRA wanted you to do, as you know, but as long as you know and understand who you're loyal to, I don't see a problem with your memories coming back.

[There. He said it. He can't take it back now. He just hoped it wouldn't turn around and bite him in the ass later.]

[A part of him, small and used to HYDRA protocol, waited for the reprimand and the thought that he would need some kind of alterations in order to continue to be useful. The larger aspect of him that had dealt with Rumlow solely for the last two months accepted that his handler would not take him to task over events that were beyond his control. For all that they had been through here, Rumlow had never physically taken him to task or created new means to keep control of him, though he was certain that Hell had all manner of ways to do so.]

Edward. Steve. Ash. Sometimes Chase. [He shuffled his shoulders and bunkered down on top of Rumlow again, though half of his weight was his hips and legs which were between Rumlow's. At least there was a reasonable explanation to why he was experiencing these states of disruption.]

I won't be as effective if I remember. Isn't that why HYDRA keeps me as a blank slate? Memories will take away my focus and allow for distraction?

[The first two names weren't surprising. The third, somewhat. He'd remembered the Soldier's outburst and vehemence over the android's sentence (or lack thereof). The last made him wonder if the kid reminded the Soldier of his youth. Perhaps less impetuous or murderous, though. Rumlow didn't know.]

That's partially true, yes, but I don't share the same convictions. They don't wipe my memories and I'm an effective agent, yeah?

[Rumlow's hands slid down to the small of the Soldier's back, fingers entwining together.]

The only thing that matters to me is your loyalty, like I said. If you know that, you understand your mission. Let that guide you as much as any order does.

[He was digging himself deeper, Rumlow knew. If the Soldier should ever shift that loyalty to another entity (namely Rogers), he would be fucked, giving him this advice. But it was true, and it was what he was going with. It was his gamble to make.]

[He nodded his head, the usual odd unknotting of his chest happening at the declaration. Rumlow wasn't going to find a way to stilt his memories from coming back, was accepting that they were going to be a part of him and his commander was confident that he would continue to be an effective contributor to the mission.]

I'm loyal. [That was an aspect of himself that seemed to span back for as long as he had been alive. He was fiercely loyal to whatever person, place or cause that he had taken up, and that would not stop.] If I get my memories back, do you suppose I'll be able to make friends?

I know you are. [Rumlow said, rubbing his face against the Soldier. Another reassurance. Let the Soldier feel acknowledged, accepted. The affection, Rumlow knew, wouldn't hurt either.] You've shown me nothing but.

[Rumlow shifted slightly then, hands rubbing back up the Soldier's body, palms splaying above his wounds.]

As far as making friends... [Rumlow's lips quirked and he chuckled.] You're making them now, aren't you? It can't hurt if you discover you have more common ground in getting your memories back, but you're no less able to cultivate relationships now. We have, after all.

Good, I want that to be established with you. [That was important, to have the trust and confidence of his commander. His sole sense of complete order when everything briefly felt beyond his reach.

He shifted his hands to cage Rumlow in between them, pushing himself up slightly into the hands that stroked his back. He sighed softly at the proxy touch just beyond the lacerations on his shoulders.]

No. Friends require some form of experience to relate to. At present, aside from my physical being and skill set, I have no ability to level with people and form shared experience. [He noted he couldn't even have that with Steve who had apparently been his best friend. They were awkward together at times; he felt it even if he couldn't acknowledge it.]

[It was always tough not to let things like this this shift towards something sexual. The Soldier just had a way with getting Rumlow going. The way he responded to him, his pliant nature and almost coy requests for attention were maddeningly hot. Even just a simple thing like the way he pushed up against Rumlow's hands was appealing. Rumlow's fingers pressed against him in response, a gentle dig into the edge of the wounds.]

You're judging too quickly. Do you think there aren't others out there with experiences similar to yours? Take me for example. We were both taken in by HYDRA, both trained to be killers, both trained to be loyal. And here we are. In a relationship. Sure, no one you meet is going to have the exact same life as you, but there's always something. You're not wrong that experience is necessary, but negating what you have, even if it's not particularly social, isn't fair to yourself.

[Rumlow shifted his legs and tangled his feet around the Soldier's ankles.]

Give yourself some credit, Bucky. You've done well with what you have.

I wouldn't know. [It wasn't as if he had gone searching across the network asking of anyone else had a forcible state of amnesia that allowed them to commit mass murder at the whims of the organization that he had dedicated himself to. How many limbo cases were there with a similar story to his own?] Yes, but our current difference is that you remember for the both of us.

[Though, he wondered why the words 'in a relationship' made a shiver run down his spine and his head bow forward as if he might nuzzle Rumlow. It seemed inappropriate given the depth and subject matter of their current topic of conversation. In response, he raised his feet to accommodate the wrap of Rumlow's feet.]

I wasn't allowed to have friends before here. I might not even know what it's like to have a friend anymore.

[The Soldier had a point there, but his own wasn't invalid because of it. He pursed his lips and opened his mouth to speak again when the Soldier shifted above him. Rumlow shut it and let him finish. Once he had, he had something better to say.]

And I'm not your friend?

[Sure they had a few other titles too, but Rumlow was pretty sure he could reasonably call the Soldier a 'friend.' He met all the criteria, after all. Enjoyed spending time with him, trusted him, invested in him. That was as good as a friend ever really was with him.]

[The question stilled him, though he was not particularly tense. No more than what was required to keep his weight from bearing down on Rumlow again anyway. That question stumped him because Rumlow had dripped the honey phrase of a relationship to him, but they had not defined what kind of relationship that happened to be. A single date, a night in the warmth and sleeping over... that almost made them lovers, right? Relationship details needed to come with its own kind of road map.]

Is that what we are?

[He asked because he had nothing more to give. He didn't entirely know what they were to each other and thus relied on Rumlow to know for him to some degree. He wasn't certain that he could even reliably be trusted with the idea of friendship at this point, what with living so many years as a 'thing'.]

[The hesitance was obvious and Rumlow thought he knew what it was from. He reached a hand up to bury in the Soldier's hair, giving him a few affectionate pets.]

One of the things we are, in any case.

[Of course their relationship of weapon and handler was still in place, even if it wasn't the same as it had been to start. Lover was fairly accurate, even if they'd never really fucked. Friend was the most accurate and also the one he had expected the Soldier to appreciate most. Would he have preferred lover, Rumlow wondered.]

[His head dropped so that he could bury his face into the side of Rumlow's neck, letting the wash of little tugs and stroking along his scalp to wash away many questioning thoughts.]

So we're more than one title?

[That might not have answered the question, but it eased his thoughts to know that maybe he hadn't been quite as confused as he had first thought. He nuzzled against Rumlow's neck in response, pleased.]

[The petting continued, along with a little nuzzling as Rumlow tipped his head down. It was comfortable, this position, the way he had the asset tucked into the crook of his neck, their bodies slotted together perfectly. The blood was mostly dry now, at least.]

Well sure. Guess you can pick and choose the one you want to use.

[Rumlow had never really been the labeling type. He got that the Soldier liked having concrete definitions, though. For him, each title suited different situations. Some would be told the Soldier was his lover, others his friend et cetera. It was strategic, like everything else he did.]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject