comesfrompain | [ to-do list ]

[Rumlow nodded at the Soldier's self assessment. He understood how that felt himself. Giving less than his standard was frustrating and doing things for others without want of his own doubly so. It was the other side of the coin in teaching the Soldier to make his own choices. But Rumlow respected it because he had made the decision to give him that choice.

He continued his soothing strokes along the Soldier's back, neck, through his hair and down again. His fingers dragged light over the edge of one wound and then the other. He absently wondered again if the pleasure the Soldier derived from the contact was simply masochism or if there was something unique about those wounds.]

If you're conflicted over what you want, you can tell me. I'm not gonna put you down for not being in the mood. I mean, of course I enjoy it when you're into it, into me, and it makes me happy when you engage on your own, but I also get that this isn't exactly what you've been trained for. It's a learning experience and I understand you value integrity.

[Rumlow paused to yawn, throat hurting a little in the stretch.]

I've been encouraging it, so I'd be a hypocrite to deny you. But don't be afraid to tell me, or show me if your words aren't coming so easily. Like I said, we're partners. So it's just as much me and you as it is you and me, yeah?

[He settled down again with Rumlow's continual touching, finding it soothing and welcoming even as he slid his hands to slide his palms up and down his commander's ribs in reply. It was slow firm strokes, adding just enough pressure to be just shy of painful he knew. He leaned into Rumlow's hands, shivering with each contact just shy of the depths of his open wounds across his shoulders. There was always a tingle of excitement to mix with the pain of them, and Rumlow's touch always managed to straddle the balance between those two sensations.

The problem with his own personal conflict was that he was designed to perform and do exceedingly well at his occupation, but physical affection, emotional connection, and psychological well-being were not aspects included in his training. He found himself groping in the dark, finding bursts of inspiration and then more often time like this, where he knew best to serve only as a weapon. It created a discord between the duty to perform and the knowledge that he might fail.]

No, my last mission had nothing to do with seduction. This doesn't even ride like an intensive training session to learn new technology or skills. I don't want to disappoint you with my performance.

[He shifted sideways so that he could plaster himself up against Rumlow's side, his metal arm pinned under his own weight and his right spanning the width of his commander's waist.]

I suppose. Wouldn't it be easier for you to command me what with my limitations?

[Whether the Soldier was attempting to recreate the odd pleasure-pain that he felt from Rumlow touching his wounds or not, he wasn't sure. Either way, the pressure against his ribs was weird and with his lungs still a little unhappy after the choke hold, he felt his breath catch. He stopped before long though and Rumlow settled back, at least until the Soldier shifted off of him and pinned his arm under his own. Rumlow quickly slithered it out before it could get crushed beneath the metal.

Rubbing at the skin absently, Rumlow turned his head to look at the Soldier. He frowned a bit. Maybe he should make it more like a training session. Craft it in such a way that it maintained autonomy for the Soldier but focused on instruction.]

It would be easier, but that's not what this is about. If I ordered you, it wouldn't be real. I can give you lessons in a more structured format, if you want, but it'd be about teaching you how to do this or that, not commanding you to do them. [Rumlow pauses, then cracked a grin, chuckling.] Besides, it's not like I can order you to get hard.

[Though man, that would be a trick.]

[He shifted, letting Rumlow's arm go without hindrance but still purposefully keeping his metal arm down against the bed and pressed into the mattress with the weight of his body. His flesh fingers stretched and stroked Rumlow's skin, settling in as they were about to return to the previous occupation of attempting to sleep.

He watched the brief frown appear on his commander's lips and decidedly glanced aside from it. That was not an expression that he wanted to create on Rumlow's face.]

No, it wouldn't be real. The date wasn't structured, and it went well. Perhaps I planned it a little as if I were attending to a mission, but we were free to do as we liked. I clearly require more time to try to navigate all of these interactions. [He never thought of Rumlow ordering him in that way, but he doubted that it would actually work.]

If you did and I failed,I would expect punishment. You know that, right?

Bucky, I was kidding. [Rumlow had to say, first and foremost.] And I think you're overthinking it. Just do what feels good and what you think I would like. That's what I do. Hell, that's what anyone does.

[He sighed, not upset, only tired. The adrenaline was starting to wear off, he thought. He leaned in, hovering in front of his face for a moment before he persisted and pressed a kiss to the Soldier's lips. It lingered for a few moments, then he pulled back, settling once again.]

So, if you think the date was helpful, we'll go on more dates. Sound good?

Thinking is what I've been trained to do. My emotions and experiences have been repressed for however long I've been on active duty. [This was all new territory, and he wanted to expand on that, but doing what felt 'good' was often muddled up with so many other pulls on his mind and body that it was confusing. There were checks and balances that he was overriding after all.

He sighed into the kiss, leaning for it because it was something that he could find enjoyment in and knew that he was also good at. An old skill, once more brought to the fore.]

Only if you have time. I know you're busy setting in motion all the pieces to start things for HYDRA again.

I know. [And he did. It wasn't a bad thing, exactly, just not working in the Soldier's favor for this particular task.] I'm not blaming you for it. And I'll make time. That's part of a partnership. Making efforts for the other person. Besides, I had a lot of fun, and it's good to go out and blow off some steam. We can worry about the rest in the morning though, yeah?

[He smiled again, once again trying for reassuring. The kisses seemed to work best with that, though. Fine by him. Rumlow came in for another, arm settled atop him, drawing him in to touch lips, chaste for the first few. A bit of tongue for the latter couple.]

[He nodded, aware that he had much to learn and incorporate into his person.] Yes, the morning will bring new opportunities for me to learn. [In his mind, he would currently do anything to assist Rumlow.

And of course the kisses helped to settle him back down, his eyes gradually closing a little more after each one. He responded to each and then nestled his cheek down against his commander's shoulder, letting out a sigh as he kept himself tucked close to Rumlow's side.] Good night.

[Things wound down, instead of up, but Rumlow was okay with it. He was content enough with the Soldier in his arms. Conflict was bound to happen, but as long as his loyalty wasn't in question, Rumlow wouldn't spend too much time worrying. He was able to quiet his thoughts at least, with the help of their numerous goodnight kisses.

The Soldier's murmured words got soft reply in return, Rumlow's eyes already closed as he relaxed, tangled together. His breath slowed and he eventually succumbed to sleep.]

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