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[Just getting started, Bucky said. Rumlow almost dreaded it. As it stood, he was pretty well sated right now, in no rush for more for at least a while. He groaned and scrubbed at his face, flopping back against the bed once Bucky was done contorting him like a pretzel. He was covered in scrapes and bite marks and was deeply sore, but he was relaxed. Felt like a million bucks. (There was a pun in there, but he was too tired to try and make it.)

He ran his hands lightly over Bucky in affection, humming as he gave him a kiss and gave himself a second before he answered the question. Pushing the hair from his forehead, Rumlow stared at Bucky blearily, wetting his lips.]

Mm. Like fourteen or fifteen.

[The time period was a little vague, but the event itself, Rumlow remembered pretty well. Not that it was something he revisited often, but he had a pretty good memory. He wondered if Bucky was going to ask him about it.]

[While he wasn't mentally willing to banish a refractory period - his own apparently was insane as it was - but he knew that he would be restless to try again sooner than Rumlow would. Right now, he was reliving the moment, enjoying himself and the freedom that came from sated exhaustion. No thought clamoring, no emotions surging, no physical tightness... he was calm and content, a vastly different state than he was an hour ago.

He shifted closer to Rumlow's touch, taking comfort and pleasure in the attentions, and he hummed low in his throat. At the answer, he considered it even if he was shifting a wing from his shoulder to brush his feather tips through the come that was cooling across Rumlow's belly.]

Who was he?

Guy from my church.

[Rumlow answered, stomach flexing as the claw dragged across it. It sort of tickled. He stretched out, arms sliding up above his head before they settled back down. He was quiet for a few more moments, letting his body settle back against the bed and losing himself in the tingling sensations that ran through his body.]

Sorry. Yeah, he was older by a few years. Sixteen maybe? Used to steal cigarettes and smoke them with me up in the attic. We fooled around a bit, y'know kids just tryin' out what felt good.

[Nothing Rumlow thought to say no to. Even if he'd known it was wrong, he liked it too much to stop. Not like any boy his age would really say no to making out and getting hand jobs. Didn't even mind reciprocating when it meant he'd get praise for it.

It was probably pretty fucked up, but Rumlow wasn't a man who lived with regrets.]

[It should have been amusing thinking of teenagers in the attic of a church smoking and fooling around. It was against all of God's rules as far as he knew, but what did teenagers care about them when there was the pleasure of the flesh to resist? He should have laughed, chuckled a bit, but he found himself instead endlessly curious.

Any tidbit of detail into the life that Rumlow lived as a much younger man was one he wanted to know, to be apart of. With no past of his own, he relied on knowing more about his lover's to fill in gaps for himself, for something to relate to.]

So he took your virginity in the House of God, hmm? Were you lovers for long?

[Barking out a laugh, Rumlow shrugged. It wasn't something that had occurred to him -- though he probably had at the time. He seemed to remember feeling an exceptional flood of adrenaline. Nothing quite like doing something forbidden where it's most blasphemous. No wonder he was in Hell. Aside from all the murders.]

Yeah, I guess he did. Though I ain't sure I'd call us lovers, since basically we were friends that fucked. There wasn't some big love affair. It was purely physical.

[Funny though, as he thought about it, Rumlow started craving a cigarette, just like old times. Not that they had any here. Pity.]

A few months, at least. Didn't take him a real long time before he went from having me suck his dick to having me bend over. Didn't even have lube that first time, but I don't think it mattered much. Felt good enough for me to keep comin' back.

[Friends with benefits? That was the same thing that Rumlow had with almost everyone else from what he had managed to ascertain. It was curious to him that his lover - and they were lovers - had made no particular emotional bond even so early in life when, as far as he could recall, teenagers tended to throw themselves into and out of love as quickly as possible.

So even that far back, Rumlow knew the difference? Or was it an adult mind reflecting on a time of childhood and cutting off the emotional ties that might have been there?

Still, this was yet more insight into a life he didn't think that Rumlow spoke of often. There weren't a lot of happy times, but he liked to think this was something similar. He leaned in to kiss at Rumlow's chest, his wing dipping to caress across his lover's bare thighs.]

So... it was a good few months at least? Was that the last time you let another man bend you over?

Yeah, they were good. [Until they weren't.] But no, I've gotten fucked since then. You remember Rollins?

[Rumlow asked, though he sort of doubted Bucky was. Guy was more a background feature when he wasn't put into motion. Rumlow still wondered where he was sometimes. Whether he survived or not.

He set a hand in Bucky's hair, curling it around his fingers, letting go and repeating. The gentle affection was nice, had him slitting his eyes and sinking into the mattress.]

Jack and I had a thing when we were with STRIKE.

Rollins?

[He considered the question very seriously, but there were no faces that came to mind. He was allowed to associate with very few individuals when he was awake for HYDRA and most of those blurred together. Soon enough, they would be wiped away. He could recall the STRIKE logo and jackets but the faces of the men and women working on it... they eluded him.

He shifted, a bit restless but from frustration at his limitations. He settled into the hair petting, letting it distract him as his wing continued to caress Rumlow's skin.]

...you were lovers then?

I guess. I didn't love Jack. Cared about him as a friend and a partner for STRIKE, but nothing like I have with you.

[He could see Bucky's frustration, though whether that was due to him not recognizing the person mentioned or some strange idea that Rumlow ought to have had past lovers whom he actually loved, he didn't know. Rumlow's brows furrowed and he drew Bucky up into a kiss. He let it linger, lengthen from one to two and three slow, deep kisses.

When he pulled back, he nudged at Bucky's cheek with his nose.]

Didn't have a lot of room to love people when I was younger. And HYDRA, well. They didn't encourage that kinda attachment.

[That sounded an awful lot like friends with benefits again, hallmarking that somehow he had pulled Rumlow into something far beyond what his commander had had with anyone else so far. That he was so unique was both daunting and pleasing, thinking that he had bridged territory Rumlow had never been in before.

He leaned into the kisses, rolling more onto one hip so he could drop a hand on the bed on Rumlow's other side. He kissed back with long strokes of his tongue, moaning and cuddling up against his lover's side. The kisses calmed him again, and he hovered half-over Rumlow once they were finished, leaning into the nudge to his cheek. He replied with rubbing his chin on Rumlow's for the rasp of stubble.]

It never makes sense to me how you have with me what you never have with them. I just... like to think someone made you happy and feel lo-- [The word, as always, was choked off as his throat closed on it reflexively. He made a soft gagging noise and promptly dropped his head on Rumlow's shoulder. Someday, he would break that programming over any other.]

[There it was again. That trigger reflex HYDRA had on him, stopping Bucky from even mentioning the word. He hadn't even prefaced it with I. Rumlow tried not to frown, knowing it would only discourage Bucky, despite the intention being towards HYDRA rather than him. He shifted over to kiss him again, running his hands through Bucky's hair.]

Hey. Doesn't gotta make sense. I don't dwell on my past, and neither should you. Whatever happened then's got no bearing on how I feel about you now.

[Rumlow didn't need Bucky to hold himself to some unknown standard or whatever it was he was trying for. What was there now was more important than anything else.]

[He leaned into the kiss, needing the assurance that he wasn't disappointing Rumlow again. Whatever he had had with Natalia had long lasting and trouble effects on him even now, but the fact that he had such limitations were highly bothersome when he knew Rumlow needed to hear it.

Action might speak louder than words, but the exchange of those words was important. It reminded him how broken he was, how he might never be whole.]

You deserve to feel this strongly for someone after so long not. Everyone should experience it.

[They were still a right mess of come, sweat and blood, but he shifted to lay over Rumlow anyway. He tangled his fingers in his lover's hair and kissed all over Rumlow's face and then neck, sucking a hickey in just behind one of his lover's ears and blanketing them both with his wings.]

I'll be whatever you need.

[Tilting his head back as Bucky's mouth found a place at his neck, he sighed in contentment, reveling in the affection. Such a foreign thing long ago, he now indulged nigh excessively in their obvious love. Even if Bucky couldn't say it, Rumlow knew.]

Be this. Be here.

[Rumlow replied, arms wrapping around Bucky as he settled his weight atop him. His tail had disengaged from Bucky's arm long ago and now slithered around his thigh to complete the embrace.]

That's all I need.

I will.

[This was what he needed, what they both needed it seemed. He settled into the embrace, offering it back and basking in the unadulterated care that they had for each other. If this what eternal punishment, he would serve to have this for the rest of his known days.

He closed his eyes and rested his cheek against Rumlow's, humming a low sound. Content, happy even, he cuddled down and was set to stay for the time being.]

I'm still going to fuck your brains out the rest of the night regardless. [And so he would... after they finished cuddling.]

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