[His fists pummeled the wall, stone chipping off and flying from his metal fist and cutting open his knuckles on the right. He didn't notice the slap of wetness painting the stone, only found relief in the release of all this emotion and the familiar burn of pain that came with putting his flesh to the test. Chips of wall hit his chest, glanced off of his face, scraped his neck, but he continued punching until he thought maybe, just maybe, he could go numb and chase away the thoughts that circulated.
Natalia had loved him, had cared, had been worth risking everything for, and he saw how much it haunted her. How losing him had devastated her. HYDRA had taken him away to punish her, to destroy her ability to resist and yet he was too important an asset to simply kill off. They had removed her, removed his ability to even care and be close to another person physically. Only in the last days had he come to break down his programming enough to accomplish anything like that. They would take it all away if they found out Rumlow loved him, had broken free enough to form that kind of bond with the likes of him.
No. No, this time they would surely make an example of Rumlow. They would make him take his commander apart at the seams, make him listen to the man's screams, make him hold that bloody heart in his hands. He would have to look Rumlow in the eye and feel himself break into pieces. And then they would wipe him. They would scrub him clean so he could never fully explain the massive hole that he felt inside of him.
His right fist bloody, his left covered in stone powder, he froze when he felt Rumlow's hands on his wrists. That touch was familiar; he would know a handler with his eyes closed and all of his other senses taken away. It was even more potent with Rumlow, and he didn't fight as he was forced into a hug. He shook, feeling weak, feeling exposed because demons were watching, clearly glad for the unexplained entertainment. His mask had slipped, and he shook in Rumlow's arms.]
You know. [His voice was quiet, rambling in unexplained fear.] You know what they can do to you. What they will make me do to you. They've done it before, and there are no second chances for something like this... they'll make me take you apart.
[He buried his face into Rumlow's shoulder, still shaking uncontrollably, only the low sound of his blood dripping and sizzling on the ground at their feet punctuating how little he was in control.]
You can't love me. They'll take it away, and I can't let you go.
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cw: mentions of imagined torture
Date: 2017-01-10 04:35 pm (UTC)Natalia had loved him, had cared, had been worth risking everything for, and he saw how much it haunted her. How losing him had devastated her. HYDRA had taken him away to punish her, to destroy her ability to resist and yet he was too important an asset to simply kill off. They had removed her, removed his ability to even care and be close to another person physically. Only in the last days had he come to break down his programming enough to accomplish anything like that. They would take it all away if they found out Rumlow loved him, had broken free enough to form that kind of bond with the likes of him.
No. No, this time they would surely make an example of Rumlow. They would make him take his commander apart at the seams, make him listen to the man's screams, make him hold that bloody heart in his hands. He would have to look Rumlow in the eye and feel himself break into pieces. And then they would wipe him. They would scrub him clean so he could never fully explain the massive hole that he felt inside of him.
His right fist bloody, his left covered in stone powder, he froze when he felt Rumlow's hands on his wrists. That touch was familiar; he would know a handler with his eyes closed and all of his other senses taken away. It was even more potent with Rumlow, and he didn't fight as he was forced into a hug. He shook, feeling weak, feeling exposed because demons were watching, clearly glad for the unexplained entertainment. His mask had slipped, and he shook in Rumlow's arms.]
You know. [His voice was quiet, rambling in unexplained fear.] You know what they can do to you. What they will make me do to you. They've done it before, and there are no second chances for something like this... they'll make me take you apart.
[He buried his face into Rumlow's shoulder, still shaking uncontrollably, only the low sound of his blood dripping and sizzling on the ground at their feet punctuating how little he was in control.]
You can't love me. They'll take it away, and I can't let you go.