[Maybe it was desperation on his part to say that, to think for a moment that HYDRA and the person they had sank their hooks into could shed that identity like a skin. Maybe that's all that he wanted right now, given that it still felt as if the idea of Rumlow leaving HYDRA behind created some insurmountable mountain where he could not follow, where he was stuck waiting in the programming that felt like it might forever hold him. Was this going to be the moment where he fought back against it though?
It was back to reality with Rumlow's logical point, that HYDRA was everywhere, that it would always hold part of them forever. Maybe it was like a second family, one that took all the frustration at the world and gave it a safe place to be put to a more useful form. Of course HYDRA had taught them all useful skills, had put forward a platform where Rumlow could excel. It wasn't likely any of those skills should be lost, and a clean break might never be possible.
It still felt like some kind of betrayal to even be talking about this, talking about leaving, breaking things down. A shiver ran the length of him as if he were waiting for the ruse to end, Rumlow to laugh and then send him for a good and thorough wiping. Testing his loyalties. HYDRA did that. He felt like a failure, and that was always unacceptable, which made everything about this painful.
He still settled in Rumlow's grip, dropped his flesh hand to the other man's thigh and gave it a pat and a squeeze. What else could he do? If he closed his eyes too long, the blackness seemed like it might swallow him whole. Certainly his body felt cold and even if the temperature around him was starting to return to normal again, he knew something had just broken.]
I know. [And he did. Experience made them, and HYDRA had been a massive part of Rumlow's life. It always would be.] Is it the programming that makes it difficult, or the fact you've never had to open yourself up to someone else before like you do with me?
[The words, their implications, did move him. It hurt. Sometimes he found being pleased and happy and all those positive emotions came with as much pain as the negative ones.]
You've been sitting on this since you arrived months ago. Why did you wait so long to tell me?
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It was back to reality with Rumlow's logical point, that HYDRA was everywhere, that it would always hold part of them forever. Maybe it was like a second family, one that took all the frustration at the world and gave it a safe place to be put to a more useful form. Of course HYDRA had taught them all useful skills, had put forward a platform where Rumlow could excel. It wasn't likely any of those skills should be lost, and a clean break might never be possible.
It still felt like some kind of betrayal to even be talking about this, talking about leaving, breaking things down. A shiver ran the length of him as if he were waiting for the ruse to end, Rumlow to laugh and then send him for a good and thorough wiping. Testing his loyalties. HYDRA did that. He felt like a failure, and that was always unacceptable, which made everything about this painful.
He still settled in Rumlow's grip, dropped his flesh hand to the other man's thigh and gave it a pat and a squeeze. What else could he do? If he closed his eyes too long, the blackness seemed like it might swallow him whole. Certainly his body felt cold and even if the temperature around him was starting to return to normal again, he knew something had just broken.]
I know. [And he did. Experience made them, and HYDRA had been a massive part of Rumlow's life. It always would be.] Is it the programming that makes it difficult, or the fact you've never had to open yourself up to someone else before like you do with me?
[The words, their implications, did move him. It hurt. Sometimes he found being pleased and happy and all those positive emotions came with as much pain as the negative ones.]
You've been sitting on this since you arrived months ago. Why did you wait so long to tell me?