[There was a shift in the air around Rumlow, but it didn't entirely wash over him. He was still reeling after all, still feeling the effects of trying to cope with the idea that Rumlow had left HYDRA, had outgrown what had come from that organization. He fought against the idea that Rumlow was going to leave him behind, leaving him with the programming that couldn't entirely dictate what he was supposed to do with himself. Like his commander, the fear of being abandoned to that fate was almost unthinkable and yet still seemed highly possible.
There was a part of him that believed Rumlow to know, but also a part of him that knew that his programming was much, much deeper and laid on thickly. Rumlow had to be functional, had to live, breathe, eat that life, to always be a double agent where his path was all about control, about doing what he was told and while he had moved away from it, their would always be a part of him currently looking for an order. He hadn't been away from HYDRA long enough to fight back, to be torn apart again and put back together.]
You mean, you think I should make up a past that I can live by because I can't remember the one that I had? [It might not be the suggestion, but it was almost a validating one anyway. He could be whoever he want even if he had to still live in the shadow of knowing that any other handler who had died could come and find him. With a selection of words, he could be little more than the Fist again.] Will you... help me to break down the programming then? Help me to remember?
[Because this was so fragile. A moment of happiness dashed with a single word, a change in tense that should have meant to little. Instead, it had rocked his world, had thrown him into a tail-spin that had undermined some of the strength that he thought they had had together. United in purpose. United together.
He pulled the shard of glass he was holding closer, turning it so that he could watch the light of the room reflect off of it. Why did it all still hurt, like the air had been sucked right out of his lungs? He should be righting himself, setting back on his feet, adapting.]
If I... become something, someone, do you think you'll lose me?
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Date: 2017-01-10 05:25 am (UTC)There was a part of him that believed Rumlow to know, but also a part of him that knew that his programming was much, much deeper and laid on thickly. Rumlow had to be functional, had to live, breathe, eat that life, to always be a double agent where his path was all about control, about doing what he was told and while he had moved away from it, their would always be a part of him currently looking for an order. He hadn't been away from HYDRA long enough to fight back, to be torn apart again and put back together.]
You mean, you think I should make up a past that I can live by because I can't remember the one that I had? [It might not be the suggestion, but it was almost a validating one anyway. He could be whoever he want even if he had to still live in the shadow of knowing that any other handler who had died could come and find him. With a selection of words, he could be little more than the Fist again.] Will you... help me to break down the programming then? Help me to remember?
[Because this was so fragile. A moment of happiness dashed with a single word, a change in tense that should have meant to little. Instead, it had rocked his world, had thrown him into a tail-spin that had undermined some of the strength that he thought they had had together. United in purpose. United together.
He pulled the shard of glass he was holding closer, turning it so that he could watch the light of the room reflect off of it. Why did it all still hurt, like the air had been sucked right out of his lungs? He should be righting himself, setting back on his feet, adapting.]
If I... become something, someone, do you think you'll lose me?